It's not dead, is it?

[C H A S M]

If it weren't for the steady rise and fall of her flank and the slight rasp of air coming from her dark nose, one could have easily mistaken the sleeping HiddenClan leader as dead. Her pearly gray fur was ruffled slightly, and her body was stretched out. Her paws were curl up and tucked close to her belly, and her eyes were shut tight. The peaceful dream that she was deeply absorbed in relaxed the typically tense she-cat's aching muscles. In her vivid dream, she was running through a forest, with dew on the ever so green grass, the sun shining brightly, and birds whistling in the trees. Her tiny gray paws beat out a steady rhythm on the forest floor, which felt uncharacteristically soft. Her eyes didn't dart back and forth as they usually did, instead moving slowly, taking in the scene before here. In this world, she was no longer Graystar. She didn't have to live in fear. This was her own little world, where she could curl up and sleep without worrying about who will try to kill her at night. Sitting down in a bush full of blue berries, the she-cat curled up in a tight ball and fell asleep.

The real Graystar, however, woke the moment her dream-self slipped off into it's own dream. Wondering how she could possibly be related to the dream-self that was clearly her, Graystar stretched her muscles. She trotted to the edge of camp, where she watched the going ons of everyday life. Warriors and apprentices came and left, cats ate, kits played, and queens gossiped. Nothing was out of the ordinary. As her muscles returned to their typical tension, Graystar padded around. She greeted the cats before her. She ate a mouse. She carried on with life as she always had. The real Graystar was back, the Graystar who feared and fretted for her life and the lives of her clan. She shook away the dream. Already, the possibility of true inner peace had slid away from her, like rain slipping off her thick, oily pelt. She didn't, wouldn't, and couldn't live in such a world. Right?

The gray she-cat's mind was elsewhere as she continued her incessant pacing around the camp. True, today was a beautiful day. The thick canopy of the forest hid the majority of the sky, but the few patches visible were a bright, clear blue. The sun warmed the earth, even through the thick trees. The camp was built up well- as always. Everything was in order, but something felt amiss. Was it the fact that Graystar had just seen a world she had been deprived of since kithood? Did she get a taste of inner peace, only to have it snatched away? It would be impossible to retrieve that feeling, except in her dreams. Gone was that feeling of being content and not worrying about who is waiting to strike and what that rustle in the leaves was. Graystar thought about herself- her nervous stance, her achingly tight muscles, ready to strike at any given moment.

Graystar saw her life as a cat in an elder's tale. To her, the world felt like it had all been planned and put here for her to live in. There was a plan for her life and death, a plan that she didn't know. Not knowing how and when she would die, if it would be painful or easy, who would kill her, and what would happen to her clan scare Graystar immensely. Not knowing something would give Graystar an awful feeling, the feeling that you get when something terrible happens and you feel really stupid. Stupidity, along with death, was one of Graystar's biggest fears. Embarrassing encounters and fear of dying give her trouble getting to sleep, usually leaving her tired and weak for the daylight hours. For once in her life, Graystar had been napping frequently. She didn't get prophecies every time she lays her little fluffy gray head down to sleep, yet her dreams were filled with strange things these days. Joy, kits, chasing butterflies, and that odd sort of pure happiness.

Graystar was having the dreams of a kit- chasing things that she couldn't feed her clan with, goofing around, and just being happy for absolutely no reason at all. This made no sense to the logical she-cat. She was an adult cat, although her compact, furry body certainly didn't show it. There was no logic behind this insanity. It would be understandable if she's been loading her unnaturally small stomach with fresh kills, but she wasn't. It would be understandable if Graystar was a psychotic old rogue queen, but she was only a slightly psychotic clan leader. Her dreams in the past hadn't been anything major: just chasing prey and fighting epic battles that the elders told her about when she was a kit. Aside for the occasional rare prophecy, her dreams had been no different than that of other cats. Her dreams had either made sense to her or were able to be dismissed as too much food. What went on in her mind was nothing spectacular- nothing special at all.

Still deeply pondering the meaning of her unusual dream, Graystar walked headfirst into the large weeping willow located in the center of the camp. Shaking her head, she decided to pull her mind out of her dream world. She was awake, and she needed to be active and alert. She may be the leader of the clan, but she still had a duty to HiddenClan. Her clan was her home and family, and wandering around like a sleepy kit all day wasn't doing anything to help anyone. Giving her chest three quick licks, the dark gray she-cat padded to the edge of the camp. She smelled the air to check for returning patrols. The air was still aside from the typical forest scents. Deciding that all was okay, Graystar ventured just outside of the camp. There was a rabbit warren nearby the edge of the clearing, and if she could just find those pesky little animals, the fresh kill pile would grow considerably. As her nose caught the tasty scent, her mouth watered and her body instinctively dropped into a hunter's crouch. She moved quickly and quietly, making her kill. She carried the food back to the camp, her tail held high with pride in her latest accomplishment. Just for good measure, she glanced over her shoulder to see if anyone was behind her before pushing her way into the clearing.

[OOC: 1029 words. Dang thing kept on drawing itself out, longer and longer.]

[Lily]

If he had been the sort to think it, the massive tom would have commented on the lovely day as he made his routine daily patrols. He had been patrolling for quite some time, constantly sniffing the air, searching the ground for traces of intruders, and scanning the horizon for any sort of danger. His priority was to protect his clan, and the blue sky, singing birds, and melodious wind didn't cause any sort of stir in his intentions. He glanced the sky, and as always when looking up, conveyed a silent honor and respect for his passed ancestors in StarClan. This was something that happened whenever the tom glanced at the heavens. He took note of the location of sun, and its position in proportion to the horizon, as well as other things. From this glance he gathered that his patrol was over, and he could head home. He trotted off, but not before pausing to take one last look at the sky, which to his silent happiness, was particularly blue today. It caused him joy, even if he himself didn't realize it.

He continued to walk until his paws touched the inner land of the Clan. He stopped, and surprised, but not frightened, looked upon the sleeping form of Graystar. Instinct paired with logic informed him that she was quite all right, only sleeping. He smiled just slightly; glad to see his leader resting, peaceful. It wasn't at all something that she frequently enjoyed. She had worries of her own, as he did. He had so many that he couldn't begin to fathom how man she had as dedicated and concerned leader of HiddenClan. His large but soft paws padded him silently, with sleek grace away from her. He would let her rest. His ocean eyes glanced over his shoulders to look at her, and to ensure that his silent steps wouldn't awake her.

When the tom was far enough, he lessened his quiet gait, and allowed himself to walk and breathe normally. He wondered of his leader. She’d looked so peaceful, even in comparison to when she usually slept. Was she dreaming? He wondered of this, but decided that it wasn't so much important as to why she was peaceful, as long as that was what she was. Peaceful.

A few minutes passed, and he saw her awake and alert, passing through the usual clan ruckus, greeting those she passed, and she was soon gone, in the same instant that he had seen her. He decided to follow, for he was sort of concerned for her. Her face had held an air to it that had seemed slightly confused, maybe stressed. The large cat padded after her as quickly as he could, though she was much quicker than he. He didn't catch up before she had already made her kill, so he quickly retreated into the brush, deciding to meet her when she entered the camp. It was almost perfect, really. She glanced over her shoulder, and she would then see Falcon, smiling slightly, sitting calmly, ready for conversation. "Greetings, Graystar." he said with a respectful bow of his striped head.

[C H A S M]

Graystar turned to face the warrior, surprised that she had not noticed him before. How long had he been following her, and more importantly, how much had she missed? Taking in the sight of the tom, she wondered what else could have pranced right into the camp behind her. She scanned the entrance to the camp just to make sure.Satisfied that all was in order, she turned to Falconclaw. She observed him, wondering what had caused him to follow her. She quickly pondered every possible outcome; everything from a giant warren of rabbits was found or the whole of AshClan was moving in on the camp. The cat didn't seem to be jumping about in terror, so that eased her fears as much as possible for Graystar. The panicky, paranoid gray she-cat was calculating the location of every warrior and how well the camp would be defended, just in case they were in fact under attack.

Deciding that all was in order, just as always, the cats in the clan of paranoia where ready to slash, clash, fight, bite, and kill. Deciding that there wasn't that much to worry about, she rolled her tight shoulders confidently. Her fur was bristling slightly, and her claws were already half out. She figured that it was best not to spring into attack mode just yet, just in case. Instead, she thingyed her head to the side, widened her eyes, and twitched her pink kitty nose, as if silently commanding Falconclaw to speak. She gave him one of her best (hopefully) intense stares. Either she was giving him a good stare-down, or looking at him with the sort of vague yet I'm-so-dumb look that a cat would only give another cat if, for example, said other cat had a big old adder stuck to it's tail.

But no, there was no adder on Falconclaw's tail, just silence hanging between them. Graystar gave half a meow, a cue to begin talking. She probably would have said something more, but her voice felt as though it was stuck in her throat.

[OOC: It sucks, I know. I know.]

[Lily]

Falcon watched her with quite a bit of apprehension. His head tilted slightly in grand confusion. She almost seemed like she was ready to thrust herself, claws first, upon him. His ears fell slightly for a mere moment, and the tom frowned a bit. He was sorrowed to see that her peace had so quickyl left her. He worried for her, but slight aggitation also set in. He wished she could just learn to breathe, it wasn't good for her to be so...upset all the time. This bothered him, and his tail flicked slightly with annoyance, but also of course with concern. he was a male of mixed emotions, that always seemed to blend and relate in some way. Thought he found her constant stress to be somewhat of a nuisance, he did worry for her, and hoped with all his heart that she would find relief from time to time. He sighed a bit, lowering his head.

with head still down, he noticed that Graystar spoke not a word. Falcon shifted, uncomfortable in the awkward silence. Although conversation wasn't his favorite thing, silence wasn't either. He had also expected some sort of response form her. he had wanted to perhaps ease her, and lighten her burdens by way of company, yet she spoke nothing. When he looked up, he was greeted by an expectant look from her. It seemed like an order to speak, even though she hadn't responded. She then mewed at him, and he spoke hesitantly. He tried to choose words that she would like to hear, words that would sooth her. He cleared his throat before speaking. "My lady," he began. "The borders show no sign if intrusion. i am happy to report an all clear for my shift. All should be well and safe for some time. I have much faith in it, for I had not the slightest instinct that any danger was approaching. Take peace in this, Graystar." he said, his deep, handsome tone giving an air of comfort to her. It was slightly cheerful and the massive tom flashed his leader a quick but grand smile. He waited restlessly for her response.

[C H A S M]

Graystar turned her small, fluffy head away. She gazed off into space, her eyes focused unseeingly on the apprentice's den. Her eyelids flickered over her green eyes for just a moment, before snapping back to complete attentiveness. She ran through what Falconclaw had told her- the camp was safe. She had no reason to worry, right? After all, it was all okay, right? Even though her small ears straightened and her claws slid back in, the leader could not keep the tension out of her shoulders. She was trying to relax, just as she always did, put peaceful feelings only seemed to come to her in dreams. Only in her dreams could she live the life of a normal cat, like the one that was standing just before her. Graystar sighed heavily. She slowly shook her head from side to side. She was stalling, waiting for just the right thing to say to pop into her head. How could she explain that peace was such a foreign concept to her? How could she explain that in the real world, she felt no such thing? Every since she has been a tiny kit, she had been deeply absorbed in her own worries and fears. While others played, she watched the camp borders. She was always stressed out an paranoid. Her breathing was quick and un-relaxed, and she experienced constant cramps and pains from her never ending tense posture.

Growing up as "that ambitious cat with some serious problems" was not a pleasant experience, yet Graystar managed to survive. Although her problems weren't that serious, or at least not in her opinion, Graystar knew they were still there. Yet, she found it hard to make herself care. She didn't bother trying to relax, especially as time went on. It was just too hard to get herself into a peaceful, easy state, the kind she had just visited in her dream. Only in my wildest dreams, thought Graystar. I'm the one who was always running around, panicking about something. I always the one who tried to get the others on their toes, trying to alert them of the possibility of danger. I saw danger in everything, but it there really a problem with that? I mean, is there anything wrong with being cautious? Is there? Oh, StarClan help me, I'm going to go mad. I'm losing my mind. I'm probably going to go soaring off a cliff hollering about eating those squeaky-and-scrawny birds that live near Twoleg place- no, no, no. I musn't think that. How will I get anything done if I'm spending so much time obsessing over my sanity?

Graystar jolted out of her deep thoughts and suddenly remembered the warrior who was sitting right in front of her. See, you old coot bag? You're losing it!, she told herself. Hey, I'm no old coot bag- I'm only forty moons old!, responded another voice in her mind. The gray she-cat shook her head vigorously to clear it of her insane multiple personalities. She really needed to calm down- all this jumpiness was doing a number on her fragile mind. As much was she wanted to take a deep breath and relax, it was just too hard.

"A good leader never takes peace, young one. A good leader must always be ready. Why calm down when NeedleClan could come crashing through the bracken any moment? Why?" Graystar responded, trying to make her voice sound worldly and wise. She was afraid it was doing the exact opposite and sounding like a terrified, unsure kit.

[Lily]

Falcon lowered his head as she turned hers away. He only wanted her to find comfort, and it caused him sorrow that she so adamantly refused. He lifted his head and followed her gaze. She was looking toward the apprentice dens. He was going to comment, if only to break the silence, or even to change the conversation. He thought better of it, though, and chose to remain silent. He tried to read her, tried to guess at her thoughts, and follow her eyes. She was so complex, and so worried, that this seemed to the tom quite impossible. All he could see in her was worry, and this baffled him. He thought that somewhere, there must be...something else.

When Falconclaw took his gaze off the dens, he found Graystar seeming as if she was in deep thought. Just as she always was. He shifted once more. What was it about her that made him so nervous? He was always so collected, except near her.

Falcon looked into her eyes, almost surprised to hear her speak. Just like always, it wasn't anything comforting or calm, but a jumble of words form his stressed leader. She was trying so hard to seem decisive and wise, but Falcon saw right through it. She was scared, and her shoulders hadn't relaxed since he'd found her. He frowned visibly. He didn't care if he was punished, or of anything else. Behind his serious outside, he was very compassionate. He'd known Graystar since he was born, and he wasn't about to let her run herself to her grave! "Graystar, the job of a leader is not to worry herself to the point of exhaustion. A leader must be strong and wise, but you are not immortal, Graystar." he said, and paused, but not long enough for her to get a word in. "Your job is also to be a friend to your warriors, and an example to the apprentices and kits. If you are never clam, never happy, what will our kits grown to be? These young ones who watch and admire your every breath? Yes, NeedleClan could attack, but then again, the probability of it happening right now is very slim. May I add that we would know long before? We have patrollers..." he paused and softened his tone. "for a reason.", he looked at her with every bit of compassion he could, and gazed into her eyes, telling her silently that he only wished to help. "I really care for you, and even leaders must rest. The stars are beautiful for a reason. Take the chance to admire them, if only in a great while." he finished determinedly, and sat down. He hoped that she wouldn't be angered. He had spoken her mind with every good intention. Now he waited for her reply.

[C H A S M]

"Well, Falconclaw, I believe that our kits would be conscious of their every move and attentive of their surroundings, ready to defend themselves and their clan at any moment. I am not immortal, but I wish to stay alive as long as possible." Graystar paused. I can't tell him that death is my greatest fear.

"I don't really mind being like this- I like knowing that I'm ready for whatever comes. I do not believe in rest- it's bad for the leg bones." Okay, I just made that up. So what? He's no medicine cat, he won't guess. Geez, how low I've stooped to be lying to one of my own warriors. Oh, how low. Thoughts ran through Graystar's head, most concerning the fact that she knew the warrior was right, that he did care about her, and that she really needed to rest once in awhile. She shook her head for the umpteenth time that day, as if to clear it of her awkward thoughts. It's hard to come to a realization such as this, but I'm the type of cat who can just brush it off. Right? Why do I feel so....read? It was almost as if he was talking to the me-me, not the clan-leader-me. That's scary- this cat must know me well. I don't know why, but that unsettles me. What if a cat from another clan could....

And off she went, worrying about something else. She panicked, planned, and plotted. She ran through everything she'd recently said and done. Why was it so easy for her fragile state of almost-peace to come unraveled so fast? It was an endless cycle for her- panic, start to relax, panic, start to relax, lose it completely, then stay up all night with worry. Her world was full of pandemonium and minor meltdowns on an hourly basis. Her life seemed so small and stupid, yet there was so much to worry about. Deep down inside, there was a tiny part of her that told her to calm down and relax, yet Graystar found it harder than anything to listen to that voice. Maybe she would try....or maybe she would just gone on with her jumpy, twitchy, panic-filled life as it was.

[Lily]

He had no idea what to do. He was almost angry how different he felt! It was like he wasn't Flaconclaw around her but more like....Shiverfoot. She made him loose himself. Usually he had a word, a solution, an opinion, but not now. He turned form her, but finally made a decision. He had already spoken, no use in simply dropping it like a hot stone. Yes, he would continue. She would see what she was doing to herself. He wondered how angry she would be, but right now it didn't matter. He also wondered why he was so adamant about this.

He took a few soft steps over to her. He lowered his large neck to meet her at eye level. He towered over the small fem. He looked to her with a small smile and a sigh. "Graystar..." he said, speaking her name once more. It made him feel closer to her, to say her name. "Graystar...what use is it to live, if you do not live?" he asked. "We worry for you, Graystar. We all do, those of your Clan. It saddens us to see you so...so..." he stammered, which was so unlike him. "Distressed..." he finished, hoping he'd chosen the right word. We care for you, and though you are leader...you don't always know best. I think that you need to listen to me, for your own good. Take a chance to admire, to sit, to have peace, maybe to enjoy." He said concerned. "My friend..." he added. He meant no disrespect, but knew he sounded as if he were ordering her.

[C H A S M]

Graystar felt a storm rising inside her. Not just anger, but realization, panic, sadness, and emptiness as well. It was one of those rare moments when her mind became clear and sharp, too clear and too sharp. She felt as though she could see straight into her soul, and that was something she did not want to do. With just herself and her mind, Graystar was a dangerous animal. One thing that was annoying to her was being about to find out something startling about herself. The tom's words have sparked something, deep down in her gut. She now knew he was right, and she knew what he was saying was true. She knew she would have to improve, but, no, she just couldn't!


More than anything, Graystar wanted to curl up and ignore the feeling she was getting. She knew that if she allowed herself to admit that, indeed, she had a problem, she would have to do something about it. It would be far easier to come up with an excuse, or just come out with some snappish reason to get that Falconclaw off her case. Really- she wanted nothing more than to tell him to shut up and take off to patrol the borders. It would be so easy to accuse him of ass talking to her, but then again, why punish an innocent cat? She had to create loyalty among her troops. So, indeed, Graystar decided to hold her tongue.


She moment of deep thought was followed by her signature move: looking off into the distance and roughly shaking her furry little gray head. She fluffed her fur and shook her body as well, as if to shake of water or dirt. She closed her eyes for a brief three seconds, and allowed herself to try to reconnect with her dream. Perhaps she could learn to relax.....but the dream would not come back, not even a faded memory of it.


Graystar narrowed her eyes.


"I am a HiddenClan cat. All HiddenClan cats are like this. I'm noting more than normal. It's a good thing that I'm not off twirling around in some la-la land. Falconclaw, it's the way I am. I cannot, as you say, take peace. I just can't! It's how I was born and will always be!" she meowed, with a note of defiance in her voice. She shook her head, slowly, but kept her eyes on Falconclaw.

[Lily]

Falconclaw almost chuckled. Maybe if she gazed at the sky as long as she did often, she would find some peace. He decided though to let it go. He'd certainly said enough, and perhaps caused her more stress and turmoil than ever. he felt quite guilty for this, but didn't completely regret it. She needed to hear it. He sighed once more, but trotted to stand beside her instead of across.

He listened carefully to her. "Yes, Graystar, I understand. It's all right." he said. "I was just worried, is all." he added. He then looked down. No, not all hiddenclan cats were liek that, were they? If they were, did that make him an outcast? His eyes held a pain and sorrow for a moment, but it quickly vanished.

[Wolfstar]

A chilly breeze whistled outside of the HiddenClan warriors den. Inside, in a warm pile of moss, a blue-gray cat lay curled up in the deepest and darkest corner. The steady rise-and-fall of her flank would have surpassed her as 'deep in sleep', but that would have been wrong. This cat almost never slept, peacefully that is. Every movement, sound, or scent would awaken this cat into nervoud spasms. The whistle rustled the ferns outside the den. Most cats would have ignored- no, would not have even noticed this sound. This cat, however, pricked her ears, and opened one eye. She looked around nervously, swiftly, then closed it again. You could barely tell she was shaking a little. She sighed, and began 'sleeping' again. 'Whispersong..' The she-cat thought she heard a voice saying her name. At any other time, at any other voice, both eyes would have popped open, and she would scramble to her feet ready to run. But at this voice, she sighed again. It was the cat she had 'dreamed' of ever since that one fateful badger battle. The cat she had loved. Coldfoot. She often heard his voice while by herself. Most times while she was 'sleeping'.

Whispersong did not even opened an eye to look around, hopeful to see white paws in front of her nose. To see his black pelt shining, and his blue eyes gazing at her lovingly. And the words he would normally say after waking her; "Do you want to hunt with me?" She just pretended to sleep, until she heard someone else say; "I was just worried, is all." This was not Coldfoot's warm voice that seemed other wordly and more familiar. It was another, living, breathing cat. She jumped almost instantly to her feet and narrowed her eyes. She gazed out of the den to see Falconclaw standing beside Graystar, the leader of HiddenClan. You would think she would have known who the cat was by his voice. But Whispersong didn't have as many good friends in the Clan as most cats. She hadn't memorized every HiddenClan cat's voice and be able to say "What's Falconclaw doing?" Or "Why is Graystar speaking like that?" She was always aware of a new cat in camp whenever someone spoke. Whispersong didn't bother to scold herself for being foolish enough to think someone other than a HiddenClan cat would have been in camp, without the screeching of cats and howls of pain. She only shook the moss from her pelt and padded out slowly. When she emerged from the darkness of the den, she looked around warily, as a double check for danger, then stood a few tail-lengths away from the two talking cats.

[C H A S M]

[»] OH_YAY_GRAY
[»] HIDDEN_CLAN
[»] MAKING_HER_EXIT

Graystar began to grind her teeth, shuffle her paws, and flick the tip of her tail back and forth. She had been standing still for too long. An autumn breeze ruffled her thick fur, causing a fresh burst of excitement to spread from her heart to her paws. The fresh, clean air filling her lungs made her so wildly wild. As she closed her eyes and drew in a deep, long breath, she knew what she had to do. She had been lounging around and chatting for long enough now. It was time to move around, to do something. It didn't matter what, as long as it was something. Her paws began to throb with anticipation. I'm just like a hyper kit, a little hyper kit with no self-control. I can't believe this...but, hey, I'm the clan leader. Should I be standing around and gossiping all day? No, no, no-o-o-o. I should be doing something worthwhile, something to help the clan. Honestly, I can smell the prey. I should go hunting. Or maybe I could join a border patrol. It's been too quiet lately, there might be a battle picking up soon. I had better...

"Um, you guys, it's been really nice talking you, but I have to go now. You see-" Graystar turned her head to the side, indicating the forest, "- I really need to hunt. I haven't hunted in ages, and-" Graystar tilted her head to the fresh kill pile, "- we need more fresh kill. I should be going." Graystar paused, as if to say more, but she thought better of it. Instead of meowing a more friendly parting word, she avoided eye contact and planned her escape. There was nothing worse than continuing this conversation. She could feel her ears prickling, and she had to work hard to keep them from going completely back.

Graystar fluidly rose to her paws, flicked her tail, twitched her ears, and moved out of the camp. She padded steadily farther and farther away. When she reached the border, she turned back, nodded at whoever may have been watching, and disappeared into the undergrowth. The gray she-cat sniffed that air around her, hoping to pick up prey-scent. Her small gray head rotated on her broad shoulders. The scent of rabbit sent her deeper into the undergrowth, her dark red nose leading the way. Her small, lean body dipped and rose to avoid sticks and debris in her path as she slowly began to stalk her prey. Deeper and deeper into the forest she went, until she was gone.

[OOC: Chasm out.]